Change

I kind of had a wake up call tonight, when I was looking through our pictures from the last year or so.  I realized I didn't remember as many details as I felt I should.  Not as many details as I remembered from when I used to blog about the kids, for sure.  I don't have a journal, either, at least not one I write in with any regularity.  I use my current journal for taking notes at stake and general conferences these days, and that's pretty much it.  I usually just take notes on my phone or ipad about something funny one of the kids did or said, and once in a while post those things to instagram.  I post milestones to instagram a little more faithfully, when they occur.  But I wish things weren't so fuzzy.  I think there's another aspect to that, as well.  I honestly spend too much time on some screen or other, and I think it's frying my brain.  I hesitate to say fry... since I think it would be about the same result if I'd spent this much time reading books instead.  I guess I just mean I wish I'd spent more time with the kids and less time giving in to feeling bored.  I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to suck it up and play with the kids for half an hour instead of reading about something online that I might find more interesting at that moment.  Yes, there's a lot in the world worth knowing - but nothing more important than knowing my kids.  I've been given kids who entertain themselves well from a fairly young age, and the two older and two younger are pretty close in age to each other.  They entertain one another well and sometimes the three oldest play well together, too.  But I used that to justify myself.  I still wish I had played with them more.  Engaged with them on their terms as well as my own.  Looking back it seems particularly selfish of me to only associate with them when I'm ready; to read to them or teach them about something I find interesting.  I need to slog through the boredom and listen to them talk about the things they find interesting - even if I don't agree - because I really, truly, do love them.  They are very important to me, and I need to show it more.  It's too late to go back.  But I can do better going forward.  I'm not naive.  I know that right from the get-go tomorrow morning I'm just going to want to relax and read about something unimportant after breakfast instead of playing with them but I will remind myself to suck it up and follow them upstairs.  I'll see if they want me to play with them, not just read to them.  But even that - I can read to them more, if that's what they want.  I just have to take it gradually and then I'll get better at it.  I'm not good at interacting with little kids, but that's really no excuse.  Especially since now I have four little kids.  I'm okay at interacting with my own kids, at least, and I can do even better.

Another for instance:  this late morning to early afternoon I was scrubbing the blinds in one of our living room windows.  It took at least two hours because of the constant interruptions from Maya and Juliet.  I had an errant thought that if we just had sturdy, washable curtains (thick enough to provide privacy at night, of course) then I wouldn't have to waste so much time washing the blinds by hand.  I probably should have just paused what I was doing to play with them instead of telling them to please leave me alone, and then finished the blinds after they went down for quiet time.  Instead I thought to myself, "I need to finish these as quickly as possible so I can relax when they have quiet time."  Looking back I think I was looking at it from the wrong angle.  Especially since it took me so long. 

Anyway, that was kind of a two-pronged thought.  Moral of the story:  I want to be a better mom, and I want to record more, because I'm almost positive it helps me remember more.  I'm not saying that kids shouldn't have the ability to play on their own - I'm huge believer in that.  I definitely think kids should learn independence and self-sufficiency from an early age if they possibly can (gradually, of course - I don't mean throwing them in a room on their own, I just mean helping them learn to depend on themselves for amusement and contentment instead of relying on devices or parents to constantly entertain them.  This is, of course, a long process that takes years, and I'm now completely sidetracked...)

So I guess I'm saying I'm going to try and blog here more.  I really couldn't care less if anyone reads it.  Honestly I'd prefer if no one does but family.  I've contemplated starting up blogging again after switching to private, and I think I will, soon.  If anyone sees this and wants to be on an email list for posts, just let me know here or text me or something.  I think as the kids get older I'll start asking them more if it's okay to share certain stories and that kind of thing.

I'm also going to start digging through our old photos and printing out a select few (that sounds more uptight than I meant it to be - I just mean we have a ton of photos and I need to whittle them way, way down) and putting them in albums.  I'd like to have a couple of iconic ones printed and framed for our stairwell or someplace, as well, just to have a little bit of our short history together out in the open on display.  Nothing fancy, and honestly it's somewhat inspired by my grandparent's wall of progeny.  I want the kids to feel like they're important to us and I feel that's a good way to symbolize their mark on our family and home (aside from the actual marks they've made on our home, of course).

So tomorrow I'll get up, pray really, really hard that I can have the patience I'll need to get through the first part of the morning, and the second phase of the morning, and the third, and then lunchtime.  I'll pray that I can be truly present and not wishing I was doing something else.  That I can look at a moment from all angles and see what the best options are before choosing one of those options.  That I will be honest with myself:  Yes, I will get bored again.  That's just how it is.  But I know I can get past that in order to do what's best for the kids.  Yes, my interests and dreams are important, since one of my dreams is to be the best mother I know how to be for my kids, that's what I need to focus on right now when they're young and need so much interaction.  And when quiet time is over and it's time for the kids to do their slightly ridiculous homework, I will suck it up and do it with them.  Because that's the best we can do right now.  If I felt qualified to do homeschool with them, that's what I would do.  But I think, at least at this point, that they're getting a better education from public school than they would here at home from just me.  So we do what we have to do.  When there's time, we do extra things.  Fun things that teach them.  I resolve to make that a priority when we have free time.  We need to get rid of the extraneous stuff that takes up so much of our time (cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, always picking up toys and clothes) so that we can spend more time actually doing things we want and need to do.  Less in the home will be less on our mind.

Enough of my midnight ramblings.  I've been straight with myself and now I have an actual plan for moving forward.  Less of me just taking things as they come and reacting and a little bit more of me making contingency plans and having productive options.  It hurt to be honest with myself tonight - but I think I do best when I'm blunt with myself.  Why beat around the bush?  I live in my head, I know the truth.  I think my goal for this week is to write about Juliet's birth.  It sometimes occurs to me that I still haven't done that.  So now that she's nearly a year and a half old, I'm going to do that.  If I get around to writing about anything else, great.  If not, it wasn't part of my weekly recording goals, so no fussing over it.