Anyway, I read that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so... I'm hoping I've filled my quota. I know that's stupid, because that's just an average and who am I to take comfort in numbers that have very little to do with people's actual experiences and feelings? But I'll take comfort where I can, thanks, since I'm still filled with so much uncertainty. See, I never saw a body. Most of the time I'm okay with that. With that specific uncertainty, I mean. But then there are moments when I see a little baby or a pregnant woman or I'm just sitting there doing something when I wonder, was there ever a body? If there was, was the development to the point where a spirit had entered the body? I mean, did the body move? My cousin told me there was a Brigham Young quote basically saying that if the fetus moves, the spirit has entered the body. I believe that's probably true, although I have to say I'm not sure. It could be sooner or later, too, honestly. That's not my point though. My point is, is there another spirit in our immediate family, on the other side? Dare I even hope? If not, then what was the point of this? And why do I need a point anyway? I've never really needed to feel like there was a purpose to things before. I just figured, life was random and stuff happens and you deal with it the best you can and trust in God that everything's going to be fine in the end, even if it's crappy in this moment. Why do I care now if there's a purpose or not? I guess it's cause I'm sad. I'll get over it eventually. At least I'm not pissed. And I've been pissed before, so I'll take what I can get.
Also, I think it's creepy when the ads on the top or side of a page have pictures of products that you've looked at recently. Yeah, I know it's because of cookies/algorithms/etc., but it's creepy. It's like they're in my head or something.
Anyway, I'm grateful I'm close with my family, and that Jared's so loving and supportive, and that I've already got three lovely kids. Like so:
6 comments:
you know, I wonder those things too. and (in my naivitie--spellinks??) I think that if *you* felt it move, and you feel it is so, then that is enough of an answer. If you're uncertain, don't let it plague you.
I want you to be happy. And I know you will be, soon.
Just think about how much higher Maya's eyebrows can go-- can they???
I choose to believe that your baby had a spirit and that your family has a member on the other side (maybe your baby is hanging out with my baby right now!). Maybe Heavenly Father will give you some peaceful feeling and with that feeling, you'll just *know* that your baby is there waiting for you, or you'll *know* that the spirit hadn't quite come yet. Heavenly Father is pretty good at helping us know things without knowing how we know, you know? Anywho, your children are wonderful and cute and lovely. I like seeing pictures of them.
I pretty much believe that stuff happens because if you're alive it just does. There may be a point to it, but sometimes you won't know what it was until much later when you can put it in perspective by seeing the whole picture. Which means "much later" is probably after you die.
I think the reason stuff is allowed to happen is to see what we will do with it, or what we will let it do with us.
Shannon - I didn't feel the baby move before the miscarriage. I was a few weeks short of that point. Anyway, I am happy. I just have moments of sadness sometimes. But overall, yeah I'm happy. I'm starting to accept the uncertainty. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from looking for someone I've never met before though, when I get to the other side.
Katie - I've knocked, but that door has not been opened. Sigh... I guess I'll just have to wait a long, long time for the answer. which leads me to my reply to Mom...
Mom - Yeah I usually feel the same way about life. I guess I was just feeling like I needed a reason or an explanation because I was more sad when I wrote this. Like I was telling Shannon, I'm feeling more acceptance now. Also, your last sentence reminds me of a thing Dumbledore or Gandalf might say. I can't think of the actual quote right now, which is why I'm confused about which wizard. Ha... witchwizard.
witchwizard. ha. it's true...the answer may not come in this life, but thank goodness for the eternities during which we can get some answers to things that we've wondered about for our whole mortal lives.
my words are spolta and ybert. it makes me think of some greek dish or something... and of q-bert. do you remember q-bert?
hmmmm q-bert? Sounds vaguely familiar... why??
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